Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, when I was younger I used gift giving to gain love, approval, control and admiration. People seem to think that the less control you exert over your environment, the less control you have over your money, but I found exactly the opposite to be true for me. The less codependent I became, the less money I spend.
My Codependent Gift Giving History
My mom was the one who first “taught” me to give excessively (child of an alcoholic); she went overboard with buying gifts for my sister and me on every possible occasion. I don’t blame mom for my gift giving behavior, but looking back, I can see how I adopted it.
One year in high school, we enlisted the entire family to help make little needlepoint boxes to hold Christmas candy for about 25 classmates. Another year, my dad and I made 20 Zen Gardens as gifts. When I was into ceramics, EVERYONE got one. If I am dead honest, I think giving those gifts was more about trying to make people see me a certain way than about any real connection.
A real turning point for me came many years ago when my family agreed to stop gift giving altogether. I suggested it because the entire process had felt empty to me for several years (as I changed my codependent ways). Now my family enjoys the holidays together without worrying about giving the perfect gift.
Motivations for Gift Giving
Some people think they’ll disappoint their children if they don’t go full-out with gifts under the Christmas tree. I’ve found that with kids, gift satisfaction can be very short term. And even early on, kids KNOW whether the gift you are giving is for them, or for you. The gifts you give to satisfy an idealized vision have no value to them.
If you think you might be behaving codependently with your gift giving, ask yourself if you are you trying to:
Be perfect or admired? When I gave out gifts to more than 20 of my friends, I wanted to impress them. I would imagine them saying, “Wow, what a thoughtful, creative gift; Mindy is awesome!” And I would be SO disappointed if someone didn’t properly express their appreciation. It was all about me.
Shape someone? This still makes me chuckle … my mom always thought I never dressed slutty enough 
) Her gifts in high school were all about form-fitting outfits that I would NEVER wear in a million years.
Avoid focusing on yourself? One year while gift shopping, the store had to call my credit card company so that they could make sure it was really me–I had spent so much in such a small amount of time, they were worried my credit card had been stolen! I was buying too much because I was trying to avoid acknowledging my negative feelings about my life and the people in it.
Solve other people’s problems? I once bought a book for a boyfriend so that he could learn how to be more emotionally available. This was before I realized that I ALSO had/have emotional availability issues!
Avoid saying no? My dad has 3 sisters and two brothers, so you can imagine the gift-giving chaos with all of those nieces, nephews and cousins! Once we finally said that we were no longer going to be giving gifts, everyone was actually relieved.
Make people care about you as much as you care about them? As a codependent, you spend A LOT of time figuring out (or TRYING to figure out) what other people are thinking so that you can manipulate them and bend them to your will—in the most loving way, of course! If I wasn’t sure how someone felt about me, you could be sure that they would get a really good gift from me!
Clean Gift Giving
Codependent gift giving is all about imagining a “perfect” scenario as the result of this “perfect” gift you’re giving. In the past, I’ve watched my mother even get codependent over gifts she gave my cat—picking up the cat and trying to entice it with the new toy or blanket, simply unable to accept the cat wasn’t interested.
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When thinking about giving a gift, it’s good to consider if you have an agenda, such as:
Is this gift a deviation from the recipient’s typical behavior? My mom once got bunny ears for my cat to wear. Are you trying to get someone to wear metaphorical bunny ears to fulfill an idealized image?
Do you imagine this gift will make someone respond differently? My good friend once admitted to me that he was really bummed that his girlfriend didn’t “properly” appreciate the earrings he bought for her. But we both already knew that she was a low-key person and hard to read. He was hoping that the earrings would magically make her more demonstrative of her affection.
Am I trying to help this person keep up their end of the relationship? I hear a lot of women complain that they are the ones who make plans to celebrate anniversaries or birthdays and resent their husbands for passively going along. What I have found is that when you stop worrying about perfection and over functioning, most spouses step up to the plate.
Is this gift more expensive than I planned to spend? It’s easy to get caught in “This is SO perfect for X, I have to get it!” but reality is, most people would rather receive a less expensive gift (with no expectations) than feel uncomfortable over how much you spent on the perfect one.
Actions This Week
- Eliminate “perfect” from your vocabulary. Take the pressure off yourself and everyone around you. Whatever idealized vision for gifts and the holidays you’re imagining, purge it from your brain! The best way to do this is to stay present as much as possible.
- Evaluate Role Obligation. Are you doing something, attending something, buying or baking something because you think you’re expected to as a mom, wife, daughter-in-law, friend, community member? This always increased the pressure for me to be perfect or find the perfect gift.
- Review your list of gifts for people. What are your expectations? Do you have a fantasy of how this person will behave toward you after opening the gift? That might be a good clue for you to reconsider giving it. Gifts do not improve, enhance or change relationships.
And in the comment section tell me …
What is the most codependent gift you ever gave or received?
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33 Responses to “Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent”
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Love this post! I always get caught up in trying to impress my partner’s parents with Christmas gifts, which is tough because they are much better off than myself financially and it always puts a big strain on me during the holidays. I’m now inspired to let go of the need for “perfection”! Thanks Mindy!
Thanks for your comment Sonnet! I used to feel the same way when I had to visit parents of the person I was dating, but then I realized, they actually liked me better when I wasn’t trying as hard. Although I still clash with mothers for some reason
)
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Love this. I used to spend so much time and energy shopping for perfect gifts for everyone. When I realized it wasn’t fun and that I was spending money I shouldn’t be spending, I stopped.
Good for you, Jean! Thanks for commenting
)
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
This really strikes a chord – and explains why for so many years I felt only disappointment during the holiday season. I would try to create the perfect Christmas everything – tree, dinner, gifts, etc. Looking at the season’s activites and expectations from a codependence and motivation perspective is an AHA moment for me. Thank you, Mindy, for this timely post.
Me too Roberta! Once I realized I had that empty feeling, I couldn’t do it anymore. I do less now, but i am much happier all season.
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Great, great post. One of my most co-dependent gifts was a bunch of expensive (for me) clothes for my young niece and nephew one Christmas. I come from a dysfunctional family where personal choice–for instance, being a woman in her late 20s without any intention of having children–was ridiculed and dishonored. So I was trying in a weird way to “prove” I knew about kids (I really like kids, was a nanny, just didn’t want any of my own). My SIL, being dysfunctional herself, took the clothes out of the box and proceeded to laugh because I had bought them “too big.” Haha the dumb woman who doesn’t know about children! Clearly too stupid to know their sizes when they change every 4 months! I vowed then to never ever spend my limited money on presents for a) people who didn’t accept graciously or b) to prove something about myself. I’ve done pretty good since then.
Wow, Deanna, I probably would have jumped your SIL for that
) Thank you SO MUCH for your story, it’s a great one!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Excellent post about the dark side of gift giving. We have started doing Kris Kindle over the last few years and really it takes the pressure off everyone – get a name, set a budget and ask them for suggestions..well done Mindy
Perfect Anne, anything that takes the pressure off to be perfect is a great solution!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
We are SO on the same page with this! I love everything you said and can totally see a few of these scenarios in my own family (and a few in myself). I love all your ideas and will be following your actions. What I want to know is HOW did you come to the decision with your family that you would no longer exchange gifts? I feel like it is a conversation we have to have now about 2013. I’d love some tips!
Megan Flatt recently posted..Find Joy (and a little break) Behind Your Camera- Guest Post
Oh, that question sounds like a great one for another post! The short answer is, My family was easy because I am not married and my sister and dad hate gift shopping, so I really just had to talk my mom into it. But stay tuned, I will definitely post on that soon!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
WOW Mindy. This really hit home for me. The most codependent gift I ever gave was a truck. Yup a big Red Ford F350. Of course my boyfriend will “pay me back” but I can see thanks to your post the codependent nature of this and how it was really about making me feel good. Thanks for such an insightful post and giving me something to reflect upon.
xo Pam
Pam Pearson recently posted..On the Rebound
Wow, a truck????? I am impressed, and SO glad you said so too! I shudder to think of how much money I have wasted being codependent, but all we can do is forgive ourselves and remember to stay conscious. Thank you Pam!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Excellent post, Mindy! I am on board with you. I have attempted a few times to get our family revise the gift giving of the holidays to relieve stress, pressure and overspending and yet it falls on deaf ears. I would love to hear how you presented the idea to your family. So far, I come off sounding like the Grinch with a heart 3 sizes too small.
Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.
I think a big part for my family was the idea of experience over possessions–plus, my immediate family has no small children. I used to get so disappointed when the whole family was exhausted from opening gifts, that everyone would pass out in the middle of Christmas, and there would be no one to talk to or do things with! So we started doing activities like frosting cutout cookies, or going outside to play a game and everyone could see that it was more fun than HAVING stuff without connection. I’ll do a post soon!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
Mindy, I love your posts. I have been working on this since 2001! Every year I force myself to put a little more heart into my gifts…and a little less money. Last year my son told me he was proud of me for not over doing it! Success! Thanks! ~Cathy
Cathy Sykora recently posted..Invisible Hands
Thank you Cathy! I love to hear that. And I am so proud of you for the changes you have made! I told my mom when she was alive, that no gift could compare to just sitting in Starbucks with her, enjoying a peppermint mocha with her
)
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
This is such a timely post Mindy. Thanks for sharing. You hit the nail on the head with some of these suggestions. The search for the perfect gift is endless. Then there’s the expected response when someone gives you a gift that they believe is ‘perfect’. I like Cathy’s comment too: More heart, less money
I try to keep it reasonable and useful – not always so easy. It’s true, it can be difficult not to get caught up in the obligations and expectations.
Thank you Joanna! Yes, I remember all of the acting I used to do to convince a person of my gratitude for their “perfect” gift! Such a good point, I do so little pretending anymore, what a relief!
Mindy Crary recently posted..Six Clues Your Gift Giving Is Codependent
What a fabulous list Mindy.
As i’ve gotten older and started to care less and less about stuff I do less and less for christmas- for others. This year I gave my kids art. Makes me happy. Hope it makes them happy too!
What a lovely idea!
Mindy Crary recently posted..When Listening To Your Gut Is The Wrong Thing To Do
OMG…I used to be so bad at all this – giving and doing and buying and….well, you obviously get the picture! I stopped a lot of this craziness many years ago. BUT, in reading the codependent signs, I see that I still have the tendencies. Oh my….need to do some work around this for sure, even though I no longer “buy big and buy often” like days of old. Thanks for breaking this down in a way I have never seen before….much thinking and some work yet to do.
xo, Tina
Tina Pruitt | Speaker | Kick Ass Online Business Strategist recently posted..Seven Simple Ways to Shift Your Energy Today
Thank you Tina! I think I’ll always have to do the work to avoid codependency, it’s an ongoing thing for me
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Mindy Crary recently posted..When Listening To Your Gut Is The Wrong Thing To Do
Mindy I am just in love with your writing and your ideas, they are always so bang on! For the last few years I have been on a big tangent about not going crazy with gifts at Christmas and Birthdays and thankfully my family has been on board. Especially now that I have a child I am adamant she will not grow up to expect big gifts at all the holidays!
I never thought about gift giving in a co-dependent way, I have always been concerned with the excess waste it creates in our lives. But I love this thought process, even now the gifts I do get for people, there probably is a big part of me wanting to impress them with ‘how thoughtful I am!’
Thanks for these great ideas!
Kat Bouchard recently posted..How To Be Better Than Big
Kat, thanks so much! You made my day and I love how you shared your thinking, because I was just thinking myself that when I stopped doing gifts and was talking to friends, most people assumed it was because of waste! Funny.
Mindy Crary recently posted..When Listening To Your Gut Is The Wrong Thing To Do
Mindy,
OMG what an eye opener. Not that I’m taking others inventory, LOL, but great article. I’m sharing this one! Really nice work. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
Rich Donahue recently posted..Best Type Of Juicer For You
Thank you so much Rich! Great to see you here
)
Mindy Crary recently posted..When Listening To Your Gut Is The Wrong Thing To Do
My biggest fear with gift giving is that a friend/employee will gift me and I won’t have something to return. I really don’t expect or even want gifts for myself. I feel immense guilt if I’ve been gifted and have nothing to exchange.
When suggested some people will just not NOT give gifts – a mutual agreement to gift each other with more time & less stress. So those peeps give gifts and then I feel obligated to have something to return.
If it were up to me, there would be no gift exchange in my circle and we’d all just let the gifting happen for the children. The adults would enjoy each other’s company, the lights, the music and the time off from work.
Carla recently posted..The Light-Worker’s Diet: Eating for God
I think in those situations it is helpful to remember that that person wants to honor you, and they knew there was a chance that you wouldn’t have anything for them in return–and that is okay. Your appreciation is always enough, ESPECIALLY if there was an agreement beforehand!
Sometimes we get into reciprocity because of guilt that we are not enough, that it’s “not right” that anyone should just give us gifts because of our innate being. You are gift enough, just being you.
And it is always up to you to create the experience you want–it might not be the full-scale vision, but you can incorporate a little more each year. You might be surprised to find that the children are more ready to join you than the adults!
Mindy Crary recently posted..When Listening To Your Gut Is The Wrong Thing To Do
Mindy,
Thank you for your candid, illuminating article! The gift-giving is still something I am working through.
Tera
Tera Maxwell recently posted..Visioning-Your-Success Party
Thank you Tera, for commenting and stopping by!
[...] to a time when we could relax and enjoy each other. Recently, some blog readers asked me how we got to that point—how did we have the conversation that initiated the change so we no longer gave gifts to each [...]