This post is the third in a series of guest posts that focus on getting the most from your money life when it intersects with your love life.
Brides- and grooms-to-be fascinate me.
They’re in the LaLa Land of planning the wedding of their dreams and, at the same time, are doing some pretty heavy lifting as a couple.
Psychologically, they are evolving from “me” to “we.”
From the single person who kept their financial situation private and under wraps. To the soon-to-be married couple, who are financially responsible to each other.
One of the tasks of being engaged is what I call “getting financially naked.” Laying yourself bare and:
- Sharing your assets: salary, income, investments, portfolio
- Laying out your liabilities: mortgage, student loan, credit card debt, car loan
- Explaining the history behind your financial situation — Owning the good, the bad, and the ugly of your individual financial picture
This isn’t easy.
It doesn’t happen quickly or without bumps in the road.
Because getting financially naked triggers many strong emotions in both members of the couple.
It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting on a pile of inherited wealth or carrying a huge debt.
The main feeling evoked during engaged couples’ conversations about money is fear. Also embarrassment, shame, anger and an enormous feeling vulnerability:
- How will she react when I tell her exactly how small my salary is?
- Will he still love me when he finds out about my massive credit card debt?
- What will she think of me when I tell her I’ve inherited a lot of money?
- What will he think of me when I ask him to sign a pre-nup?
This can be scary stuff to talk about. But it has to be done. It’s part of the growing-up that marriage requires.
The key is to do it respectfully, patiently,
and compassionately, so that these conversations bring you closer as a couple – they bond you together as a team, living one life, with shared vision and goals – not push you apart.
5 tips to getting financially naked together…
Here are 5 tips on how to get financially naked with each other so that in the end, you feel more connected to each other.
1. Start early
Soon after getting engaged, start sharing your financial information. Don’t put it off until the end of your engagement. One couple I know put off talking about their prenup until 6 weeks before their wedding. Their feelings ran high and hot, but they didn’t have time or emotional energy to work through it during the home stretch of wedding planning. They married without the prenup, and they remember the end of their engagement as full of conflict. So start your conversations now.
2. Start small
What’s the first piece of financial information you should share?
I suggest something that doesn’t freak either of you out too much. Maybe that’s your exact salary. Or your student loan debt. Then, during the next conversation, talk about your credit cards. Another day your family’s financial situation. Bit by bit, conversation by conversation, you will get to the financially nitty-gritty at a pace that won’t overwhelm you.
3. Be respectful of each other’s emotions
It’s normal for feelings of fear, vulnerability, shame, and anger to get stirred up when you talk about money. The key is having respect not only for your own reactions but your partner’s as well. When one gets overwhelmed, agitated or afraid of judgment, be patient, be loving, and dial things down. Take a break. Help each other get to the bottom of the feeling state. And know that you will get triggered during one of these conversations too, so be compassionate.
4. Remember: this is not a “One and Done”
It might seem easier and more efficient to set aside one whole day, bring your separate financials, and get them all out on the table. I can tell you this: you won’t get very far. Emotions play a big role in conversations about money, and you need to take small sips as you disclose your information to each other.
5. Be patient: You are beginners
Yes, you’re in love. Yes, you’re engaged. Yes, you’re going to be married. But this way of being so financially open with each other is brand new territory. You’re learning how to become financially intimate with each other. You are beginners. So you have to give each other room, time, and space to practice these new skills of becoming financially naked with each other. Have patience for yourself and for your partner. And enjoy the closeness that even financial intimacy is bringing to your relationship.
Bridal Counselor Allison Moir-Smith, MA, of EmotionallyEngaged: Counseling for Brides is the author of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride’s Guide to Surviving the “Happiest” Time of Her Life.
Contact her for a free 15-minute video consultation.
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