The other day I asked a health professional one simple question. ONE QUESTION. And he proceeded to talk for the next 15 minutes about all of the ways people should be more afraid of this specific thing I asked about, how basically we were all screwed. Apparently, he was very passionate about this topic. When he was done, I felt a little violated…he had never stopped to check and see if 1) he had answered my question (he hadn’t), or 2) how all of this was landing with me. I sort of felt like he had taken all of HIS fear of the topic and picked it up and smeared it all over me without my permission, like it was some sort of noxious, Vaseline-type chemical. After 20 minutes with this guy, I was exhausted.
That’s the fear smear.
Why it happens
Fear smear runs rampant in the financial world. It made me realize that in the world of money, there are probably many people who fall victim to the fear smear because unfortunately, there are a lot of people working in the financial services industry who have a lot of fear around money themselves. So they can’t help but smear you with all of that fear. Imagine you sit down with someone — a friend, a coach, a financial planner — and you ask a question about, say, retirement planning. Suddenly, that person goes off on a rant about how you can never save enough money because of Social Security! And the Gubment! And Death Taxes! And, and, and…!
You just got fear smeared. And worse, you didn’t get your question answered.
The thing is, fear doesn’t help you. Sure, caution is helpful…like, don’t get too close to that dog spewing foam from his mouth. Or, if you don’t understand an investment, don’t use it. But there isn’t any reason to be afraid. Fear clouds your judgment. It paralyzes you, which is the last thing you need when you’re trying to make a rational money decision or avoid a dog with rabies.
And sometimes when we are unfamiliar with a topic (or have our own fears), we might not realize we’re in the midst of a fear smear. I didn’t realize I was experiencing one until I started to feel crappy. For the first ten minutes, I was trying to listen to this guy, and I just kept feeling worse and worse. Then when I realized what was happening, it took me five more minutes to break out. By then, I felt like I had been slimed like a Ghostbuster.
Redirect fear-based conversations
You might be unable to prevent someone else from starting a fear smear, but that doesn’t mean you must succumb to it. The best thing to do is try to redirect the conversation – not only to answer your specific question potentially but also so that you’re doing something to discourage their negativism actively. You can:
Interrupt their rant visually as well as verbally. They are being rude by reciting their fear manifesto to you, so you’re totally allowed to interrupt them by holding up your hand and starting with… “but back to my original question…”
Redirect. As they are going off, start shaking your head and say, “But that’s not what I asked.” They probably will not be able to remember exactly what you asked, because you triggered them and they will have already gone too far down the fear rabbit hole to recover.
Set limits. Remove eye contact, pull out your phone (I’ve even set the timer so I have an auditory cue), and say, “What would your answer be if I only had 30 more seconds to have this conversation?”
The point is, regardless of who you’re talking to, no one has the right to impose their fear and paranoia on you—and you’re NEVER obliged to listen. True, it might make you less popular because you’re no longer politely validating someone else’s issue. But listen…this goes back to how you want to be with your money.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
When someone else is smearing all over the place, it can be tricky to extricate yourself. However, I have noticed that it helps you get clearer on your own issues, instead of working through fear you adopted from someone else. The truth of the matter is, that it’s human nature to fear the unknown, and also human nature to want to try to warn others about potential dangers. People who fear smear probably don’t know they’re doing it — and while they subconsciously do want to scare you (so that you’ll be as “informed” as they are), they don’t want to harm you.
When you’re not actively in the middle of a fear smear campaign, take a moment to step back and examine it from all sides:
Think about people in your life. Everyone has their own fear smear issue. It helps if you’ve identified it and are ready for it. That way Crazy Uncle Joe can’t corner you at Thanksgiving and tell you horror stories about the housing market.
Only change yourself. You can’t talk people out of their fears, just disavow that it’s your issue. All of the rest of it is their own work (and none of your business, quite frankly).
Do you fear smear anyone? Are you guilty of the fear smear? Maybe you can come clean with the people in your life about your efforts to quit spreading fear.
One of the best antidotes to fear is knowledge. If you find yourself freezing up when it comes to your finances, I highly recommend you sign up for my free library of financial planning and mindset resources that you can find here.
